Hi Everyone
For the last thirty plus years I have accompanied the real Santa around the streets of our local area as a treat for the children and to raise funds for various charities. I know that you will remind me that he is not the real Santa but I was assured a long time ago that this Santa was the real Santa so that is good enough for me. Like most things thirty years ago taking him round the streets was simple. We had him on a low trailer behind a car so that the children could go up to him and even sit on his knee. The paperwork was a simple letter to the police headquarters saying that we were collecting over a three week period. Now we have to seek permission from various councils with details of dates, where we are collecting, who is collecting, how much we have collected and details of our expenses, for some council worker to file in a box marked Rubbish. Now our real Santa is on his sleigh on the back of a truck so that the children cannot get near him. In the truck is a driver and his assistant who is responsible for the safety and safeguarding of the children as well as being the DJ for the Christmas music. Now that is where I come in. As I am now approaching middle age I am the driver's assistant, known as the Fat Controller named after the character in the Thomas the Tank Engine books. It does not matter how big or small you are, you are the Fat Controller. The wife of my usual driver decided a couple of years ago that we were both stupid. As if that wasn't bad enough, this year she renamed us Dumb and Dumber. What concerned me was whether I was Dumb or Dumber. Just when I was about to broach the subject, all my questions were answered when he turned up in a Grinch costume. It does not get Dumber than that.
At Christmas, in the Fruit, Vegetable, Flower, Lolly, and Game shop the emphasis was very much on game. In the street above the main shop window, there was a row of hooks on which the Junior Partner hung turkey, goose, and pheasant, all still in their feathers and with their heads on. This was in addition to the many rabbits sold, as rabbits were cheaper than chicken. Together with the sprigs of holly and mistletoe, it made an attractive sight for customers. Now it is inconceivable that anyone would buy poultry to pluck the feathers off, chop off its head and remove its innards before cooking it. The one thing they would probably be safe from now is shoplifters, who would soon be caught running down the street with a turkey with its head banging against their legs.
As I said earlier we have the real Santa for our collections so naturally I gave him my list of things I would like this Christmas. When I open my presents on Christmas morning if I find underpants, diabetic socks and a walking frame I will know for certain that we have the real Santa.
Thank you for reading my Rubbish this year and, if you can stand it, I look forward to (trying to) make you smile in 2025. With Donald and that miserable Chancellor of ours around next year, you might need me more than you think.
Happy Christmas.
Just a Thought :
My friend has the amazing ability to predict what's inside his wrapped present. It's a gift.
A jumper I was given last Christmas kept picking up static electricity. I sent it back and got another one - free of charge.
What do Turkeys give thanks for at Christmas? Vegetarians.
Brian
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